


whispered like a prayer

by cassiandameron



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-28
Updated: 2012-12-28
Packaged: 2017-11-22 17:32:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/612397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassiandameron/pseuds/cassiandameron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>or the one where Dean is an emotional wreck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. your face saving promises

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter title from a Natalie Merchant song because I'm horrific at titles

Everything has a beginning. Sometimes you don’t notice it happening till years down the line.

_“Take your brother outside as fast as you can!”_

_“It’s okay, Sammy.”_

Dean imagines that if he ever had to name the day it all started… Yeah, that would be it. Maybe he should feel bad that the day he found his purpose is the same day his mother died.

He doesn’t have room for more guilt.

Dean can’t sleep so he’s just watching. In the dark, he can see the rise and fall of Sammy’s breathing. Watching. It’s what he does best, isn’t it? Watching, protecting, if he were a thinker, he’d compare himself to a dog but he doesn’t need any more of those kinds of thoughts.

So, he watches. Sammy is there, safe and sound. Dean wonders if Sam still dreams of happier things. Maybe he relives his college days or…

Dean doesn’t want to think about it but he does anyway. He knows. Dean knows what Sam dreams of. He knows they don’t involve him or dad. They don’t involve mom. They’re filled of strangers and old college friends. The days where Sam was actually happy. Something Dean could never bring him. He knows.  _He knows.Heknows._ ** _He knows._**

No one knows better than Dean how useless he is. All he’s good for is to keep Sam safe and he even fails at that. God, if dad saw him now he’d grab Dean by the collar and shake him. Maybe give him a good smack.

_Keep Sam safe._

It just scares him that maybe Sam knows too. And Sam will leave because Dean’s useless. So fucking useless.

What if he knows? Oh,  **God.**   _What if he knows?_

He grabs his flask and lets the alcohol burn away the emotion. Burn it all away.


	2. can you reach me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> or also known as the one where Sam thinks Dean is an idiot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titles from a Natalie Merchant song

Sam knows his brother is still up. He can feel Dean’s eyes on him but he won’t let him know he’s awake. Not yet.

He can feel the tension but he just doesn’t know why. He wishes Dean would just tell him. So  **damn** stubborn.

**Winchester Rule #1: No Chick Flick Moments**

But damn, Dean needs one. He needs Sam and Sam knows.  _He knows._  He’d have to been dropped on his head then run over by an eighteen wheeler while a werewolf chewed on his head not to know.

So, yeah, he knows. He just doesn’t, you know,  _know_. Sam once thought he could run circles around Dean in the emotional department. He was pretty stupid back then. Back when he didn’t want a thing to do with his dad and just left them. Man, he could punch himself for leaving Dean.

Because, now, he knows. He knows how Dean needed him. Sam wishes he could understand how Dad screwed Dean up. Dean’s messed up.

And Sam knows.  _He knows.Heknows.Heknows._   **He knows** _ **.**_ It’s all his fault.

He hears Dean opening his flask and drinking. Better now than ever. Sam sits up, ruffling his hair sleepily.

“ _Dean._ ” And before Dean can apologize, he takes the flask and sets it on the table. Dean is silent for a moment. Then he starts again but, before he can apologize, Sam pulls him into a hug.

“Shut up.” He grips him hard, holding tight as if he can squeeze out all the bad memories from his brother’s heart. Dean stays still, as if he’s afraid Sam will disappear. It just makes Sam hold him tighter.

“You’re an idiot.”

Finally, Dean holds him back.


End file.
